I Tried To Look As Tall As Humanly Possible For A Week

I wish I was a little bit taller.

Jon Premosch / Zoë Burnett / Buzzfeed

I’m a short person. See below.

I'm a short person. See below.

I have a theory that tall people are in a secret club like the Illuminati. The Tall People Illuminati. They get all the respect and the opportunities, and they hold secret meetings where they grab things out of tall cabinets and rescue cats from trees with their bare hands. It’s just a theory. But height seems to be held as a valuable trait, an element of attractiveness. There are studies that say tall people make more money. And it must be really damn nice to be able to see at a concert. I wouldn’t know.

When I was a kid, being short really bothered me. Other people always pointed out my shortness. I didn’t want that to be my identity. And don't even get me started on how soul-crushing it is to be a short child who loves roller coasters. As an adult, I eventually stopped caring about how tall I was. Mostly because dwelling on something you can’t change is exhausting. (And they finally let me on the big roller coasters.) Plus, tall people have problems too. I know tall women who felt awkward in grade school for being the tallest girl or endured rude comments or felt pressure to find a really tall partner. And I’ve heard shopping for jeans is challenging.

All these “tall person problems” convinced me that maybe being tall wasn’t so great. But then one day I overheard a tall person talking about being tall. “It’s awesome,” she admitted. Something snapped inside of me. I KNEW IT. I KNEW BEING TALL WAS AWESOME. No one brags about being short. You hear the tall-ies complain about how it’s slightly more uncomfortable to sit on an airplane, but at the end of the day, being tall is awesome. I can’t think of any benefits to being short. Maybe you’re less likely to hit your head on the ceiling of a cave? But that’s it.

My desire to be taller was renewed. Aside from going back in time to get some taller parents (Thanks a lot for the dumb genetics, Mom and Dad!), there’s not much I can do about it. But there are a few ways to look a little taller, so I decided to see what works the best.

Jon Premosch / Zoë Burnett / Buzzfeed

I know that good posture sounds like a hack from your grandmother or a 1940s etiquette guide for polite young ladies, but standing up straight is no joke. I'm really bad at it, as one of the slouchers of the world. It's so hard for me to remember my posture that I actually wrote “posture” on my hand the day I tried to keep my back straight all day.

Having good posture made me feel like I was trying to be way too fancy. Who did I think I was? The Stand-Up-Straight Princess? But that is the secret. When you act like you're better than everyone else, everyone starts to believe it. You start to believe it. I felt like I should've been dumping champagne over my head because I was a classy person with good posture. (Is that what classy people do? I'll just assume yes.)

Keeping my back straight throughout the day was one of the best techniques for making me feel taller, in spirit. I hate to admit that. When people say things like “Standing up straight is the fastest way to look like you lost 10 pounds,” I want to scream. Because gross. I don't want those people to be right. But they're right. And I hate them.

Jon Premosch / Zoë Burnett / Buzzfeed

There are tons of style tips out there to give the illusion of height. The most common one is probably “wear vertical stripes.” I usually ignore these rules, thinking, If you're resorting to magic tricks to try to look taller, you've already lost. But they do work.

I tried to combine as many “look taller” tips as I could into one outfit:

• Tall hair
• V-neck
• Long necklace
• High-waisted skirt
• Short hemline
• Pointy shoes

I did look taller in this outfit, but I didn't feel different.

Jon Premosch / Zoë Burnett / Buzzfeed

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